Duck Hunter

[GizmoQ]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

[Phrede]

LOL literally.

 

[05 GRAND DADDY]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Good One! Love It!

 

[ald42]

!!

 

[ECurtis]

Good One!

 

[05 GRAND DADDY]

Had a neighbor friend email this ""GOOD ONE"
A BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE !



I love my job!!!!




Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below...

~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh-- for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Dan & Wendy
" 05 GRAND DADDY"

 

[XLRATING]

BOTH of those cracked me up!

 

[ECurtis]

Had a neighbor friend email this ""GOOD ONE"
A BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE !



I love my job!!!!




Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below...

~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh-- for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Dan & Wendy
" 05 GRAND DADDY"

I love my job!

 

[MarkSki]

The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA)


President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering
sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more
Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as
a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans
who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and
drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in
society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer
stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and
passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be
able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply
because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the
U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing
opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government
level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record
of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles
but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense
of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be
given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable
employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to
corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of
Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax
credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one
clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new
measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the
non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions
such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to
this job?"

"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people
who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost
her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich.,
due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This
new law should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have
job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions
of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end
of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin,Il: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the
same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended
to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers
to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or
her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great
nation and a good salary for doing so."

This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane
Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barack Obama.